YOU'VE GOT MAIL

 

 

 

#1(MORNING ‐ KATHLEEN KELLY'S APARTMENT)

 

FRANK Amazing, this is amazing.

FRANK (cont'd) Listen to this. The entire work force of the state of Virginia had to have solitaire removed from their computers because they hadn't done any work in six weeks.

KATHLEEN That's so sad.

FRANK Do you know what this is?

KATHLEEN No.

FRANK What we're seeing? It's the end of Western civilization as we know it.

KATHLEEN Oh. Hey, aren't you late?

FRANK Technology. Name me one thing, one, that we've gained from technology.

KATHLEEN Electricity.

FRANK That's one. You think this machine's your friend, but it's not. I'm outta here.

KATHLEEN See you tonight.

FRANK Sushi!

KATHLEEN Sushi! Bye.

 

 

#2 (MORNING ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER)

 

COMPUTER Welcome!

KATH & COMPUYou've got mail!

KATHLEEN Brinkley is my dog. He loves the streets of New York as much as I do.

# 3 (MORNING ‐ JOE FOX'S APARTMENT)

 

JOE FOX (V.O.) Although he likes to eat bits of pizza and bagels off the sidewalk, and I prefer to buy them. Brinkley is a great catcher and was offered a tryout on the Met's farm team, but he chose to stay with me so that he could spend 18 hours a day sleeping on a large green pillow the size of an innertube. Don't you love New York in the fall? Makes me wanna buy school supplies.

PATRICIA EDEN Sweetie?

JOEYo!

PATRICIA I'm almost ready! Will you turn it on?

JOE(V.O.)cont'd I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if knew your name and address.

PATRICIA Honey! I need a double today!

JOE(V.O.)cont'd On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms.

PATRICIADid you push it?

JOE Yeah! Yes, I pushed it.

PATRICIA I'm late! Random House fired Dick Atkins. Good riddance. Murray Chilton died, which makes one less person I'm not speaking to. Hurry, hurry, hurry! Oh!

PATRICIA (cont'd) Vince got a great review. He'll be insufferable. Ah, tonight, pen dinner.

JOE Am I going?

PATRICIA Joe Fox, you promised.

JOE It's black tie.

PATRICIA Ooh, ooh!

JOE Can't I just give money instead?

JOE (cont'd) And what is it this week? Free Albanian writers? Because I'm in favor of that.

PATRICIA Ooh, ooh, ooh! Oooooh!

JOE Ok, I'll go. I'll go. You're late.

PATRICIA I know.

#4 (MORNING ‐ JOE'S COMPUTER)

 

JOE Who's that? Who's a happy dog? Who's a happy dog?

COM & JOE Welcome! You've got mail!

JOE All right. Ok, ok. Get down. Get down.

KATH (V.O.) Dear friend, I like to start my notes to you as if we're already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we are the oldest and dearest friends, as opposed to what we actually are, people who don't know each other's names and met in a hatroom where we both claimed we'd never been before.

 

 

#5 (MORNING ‐ STREETS OF UPPER WEST SIDE NEW YORK)

 

KATHLEEN What will NY152 say today, I wonder? I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words, you've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York. Just the beat of my own heart. I have mail... from you.

 

 

#5 (MORNING ‐ CONSTRUCTION SITE OF FOX BOOKS)

 

KEVIN The electrical contractor called today. His truck hit a deer last night, so he's not gonna be here till tomorrow. The upstairs shelves are late, because the shipment of pine we ordered has beetles.

JOE Very good. Very good.

KEVIN And we got a $50,000 dollar ticket for construction workers peeing off the roof.

JOE Great. That is great. Is the electrician here today?

KEVIN See, I just told you he hit a deer, man. I knew you weren't listening to me.

JOE You're right. I wasn't. I hear nothing. Nothing. Not a sound on the city streets, just the beat of my own heart. think that's how it goes, something like that.

KEVINYou and Patricia got engaged, didn't you? You can tell me.

JOE Engaged?

KEVINCome on.

JOE Are you crazy?!

KEVIN What? I thought you liked Patricia.

JOE I do! I do. I love Patricia. I *love* Patricia. Patricia is... Patricia's amazing. Patricia makes coffee nervous. Hey, you know what? We should announce ourselves to the neighborhood. Let them know. Here we come.

KEVIN Well, no, this is the upper west side, man. We might as well be telling them we're opening up a crack house. They're gonna hate us. Soon as they hear, they're gonna be lining up to...

JOE AND KEVIN Picket the big bad chain store.

KEVIN That's out to destroy...

JOE Everything they hold dear.

KEVINYeah.

JOE You know? We're gonna seduce them. We're gonna seduce them with our square footage, and our discounts, and our deep arm chairs, and...

JOE AND KEVIN Our cappacino.

JOE That's right. They're gonna hate us at the beginning, but...

JOE AND KEVIN We'll get 'em in the end.

JOEAnd you know why?

KEVIN Why?

JOE 'Cause we're gonna sell them cheap books and legal addictive stimulants. In the mean time, we'll just put up a big sign Coming soon, a Fox Books superstore and the end of civilization as you know it.

 

 

# 6 (MORNING ‐ THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

KATHLEEN Good morning, Christina.

CHRISTINA Goood morning, Kathleen.

KATHLEEN It's a beautiful day. Isn't it just the most beautiful day?

CHRISTINA Yes, yeah, sure.

MAN #1 Idiot! What are you doing?

MAN #2 Watch where you're going, man! I got the green light

KATHLEEN Don't you just love New York in the fall? Perfect. Mm, can't beat that!

CHRISTINA Scotch tape? *What* is going on with you?

KATHLEEN Nothing!

CHRISTINA You're in love.

KATHLEEN No, no. Oh, yes, that's right! I'm in love with Frank. I'm practically living with Frank. Hm, well. Uh, do you think you could get our Christmas mailers out this week?

CHRISTINA Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. By Monday, I promise. I just‐‐ I have this paper due on Friday. What is going on?

KATHLEEN Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all.

CHRISTINA You know what? I am just going to stand here until you tell me.

KATHLEEN All right. Is it infidelity if you're involved with someone on e‐mail?

CHRISTINA Have you had sex?

KATHLEEN No! Ofcourse not. I don't even know him.

CHRISTINA No, I mean cybersex.

KATHLEEN No.

CHRISTINA Oh, well, don't do it. Because the minute you do it, they lose all respect for you.

KATHLEEN Oh, well, it's not like that. We just e‐mail. It's really nothing... On top of which I am definitely thinking about stopping because it's just getting‐‐

CHRISTINA Outta hand?

KATHLEEN Confusing. But it's not‐‐ Because it's nothing.

CHRISTINA Where'd you meet him?

KATHLEEN Ah, listen, I can't even remember... Ok, on my birthday, I wandered into the "Over 30" room for a joke, sort of. And uh, he was there, and we started chatting.

CHRISTINA About what?

KATHLEEN Oh, books and music. How much we both love New York. Harmless, harmless, meaningless stuff... Bouquets of sharpened pencils. Oh!

CHRISTINA Excuse me?

KATHLEEN Forget it. We don't talk about anything personal, so I don't know his name, what he does, or where he lives exactly. So, it'll be really easy for me to stop seeing him, because.. I'm not.

CHRISTINA I mean, God! He could be the next person to walk into this store!

KATHLEEN I know!

CHRISTINA He could be... George.

KATHLEEN Uhh...

GEORGE PAPPAS Morning.

CHRISTINA Are you on line?

GEORGE Well, as far as I'm concerned, the Internet is just another way of being rejected by a woman.

BIRDIE Good morning!

KATHLEEN Good morning, Birdie! Later... shhh!

BIRDIE What are you two girls talking about?

CHRISTINA Cybersex.

BIRDIE I tried to have cybersex once, but I kept getting the busy signal.

CHRISTINAI know, I know. I was really depressed one Saturday night about 9 in the evening.

BIRDIE Time to open up!

KATHLEEN Jessica and Maya, how are you today?

MOTHER Wanna say hi to Kathleen?

GIRL Hi.

GEORGE Hi, The Shop Around The Corner. George speaking. How may I help you?

 

 

#7 (DAY ‐ FOX BOOKS OFFICE)

 

JOE Construction's going well. We should open on time. Although Kevin and I are both a little concerned about the neighborhood response. Hey, this‐‐ This fabric on the couch. What is it? Does it have a name?

SHUYLER FOX Money.

JOE Huh?

SHUYLER It’s name is Money.

JOE Oh, *Gillian* selected it.

NELSON FOX Good guess.

SHUYLER You're father's getting married again.

JOE Really?

NELSON Yep.

JOE Congratulations.

NELSON Thank you.

JOE Why?

NELSON Who knows?

JOE Love?

NELSON Possible.

SHUYLERI think you're a damn fool.

NELSON Pop, Matthew is 4 years old. It would be nice if he knew his parents were married.

JOE Listen, I, uh, I have a sad announcement to make. Uh, City Books, on 23rd street? It's going under.

 

JOE & SHUYLER immitate guns going off.

NELSON Aw, another independent bites the dust.

SHUYLER On to the next!

JOE We're gonna buy out their entire inventory of the achitecture and New York history for the new store.

NELSON*sighs* How much, son? How much are you paying?

JOE Well, whatever it is costs, it won't be as much as that exquisitely uncomfortable mohair episode there... which is now all over my suit.

NELSON Here ya go.

JOE Thanks. We're also gonna have a section dedicated just to writers who've lived on the west side.

SHUYLER As a sop to the neighborhood.

NELSON Perfect. To keep those west side liberal nuts, pseudo‐intellectuals, bleeding hearts...

JOE Readers, dad, they're called readers.

NELSON Don't do that, son. Don't romanticize them. It'll keep them from jumping down your throat.

SHUYLER Well, what's the competition?

JOE One mystery store. Sleuth, 78th and Amsterdam and a children's bookstore. Shop Around The Corner. It's been there forever.

SHUYLER Cecilia's store.

JOEWho's that?

SHUYLER Cecilia Kelly. Lovely woman. I think we might've had a date once or exchanged letters.

JOE You wrote her letters?

SHUYLER Well, mail. It was called mail.

NELSON Stamps, envelopes.

JOE Y'know, I've heard of it.

SHUYLEROh, Cecilia had beautiful penmanship. But she was too young, for me, but she was... enchanting.

JOE Enchanting?

SHUYLER Her daughter owns it now.

NELSON Huh, too bad for her.

 

Knock on door.

NELSON Ah.

MAN Excuse me, Mr. Fox.

NELSON Yeah, come on.

JOE (V.O) My father is getting married again. For 5 years, he's been living with a woman named Gillian who studied decorating in Caesor's Palace.

NELSON looks at the artifact and sighs.

NELSON Rubber.

 

 

#8 (DAY ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER)

 

KATH(V.O.) Once I read a story about a butterfly on a subway, and today, I saw one. It got on at 42nd, and off at 59th where I assumed it was going to Bloomingdale's to buy a hat that will turn out to be a mistake as almost all hats are.

 

 

#9 (EVENING ‐ JOE ON BED WITH COMPUTER)

 

JOE (V.O.) Listen to this. Every night a truck pulls up to my neighborhood bagel place and pumps about a ton of flour into underground tanks. And then the air is filled with white dust which never seems to land. Why is that?

 

 

#10 (DAY ‐ JOE READING PRIDE AND PREJUDICE)

 

KATH (V.O) Confession

I have read Pride and Prejudice about *200* times. I get lost in the language. Words like, "thither", "mischance", and "felicity". I'm always in agony over whether Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are really ever going to get together. Ah, read it, I know you'll love it.

 

 

#11 (MORNING ‐ STARBUCKS)

 

JOE (V.O.) The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision‐making abilities whatsoever to make 6 decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall light, dark caf, decaf low‐fat, non‐fat etc.

KATHLEEN Tall, skim, caramel, machiato.

MAN #1Mocha, frappacino, grande.

JOE(V.O.)cont'dSo people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who the hell they are, can, for to $2.95, get not only a cup of coffee, but an absolutely defining sense of self.

CLERKTall, skim, caramel, machiato.

JOE(V.O.)cont'dTall! Decaf! Cappacino!

MAN #2 Tall, decaf, cappacino.

 

 

#12 (MORNING ‐ GEORGE SEES CONSTRUCTION SITE FOR FOX BOOKS)

 

GEORGE Bummer.

 

 

#13 (MORNING ‐ ALL 3 STARING AT FOX BOOKS)

 

GEORGE A Fox Books superstore.

CHRISTINA Quel nightmare. (procayl)

KATHLEEN It has nothing to do with us. It's big, impersonal, and overstocked, and full of ignorant salespeople.

GEORGE But they discount.

KATHLEEN But they don't provide any service. We do!

 

 

14# (LUNCH ‐ KATHLEEN AND BIRDIE AT THE DELLI)

 

KATHLEEN So, really, it's a good development. You know how in the flower district, there are all those flower shops in a row, so you can find what you want? Well, this is going to be the book district. If they don't have it, we do.

BIRDIE And vice versa.

KATHLEEN Absolutely!

 

 

15# (EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN'S APARTMENT)

 

FRANK When you are finished with Fox Books, The Shop Around the Corner is going to be responsible for reversing the entire course of the industrial revolution.

KATHLEENWell, now, that is so sweet, Frank. Thank you, hat is so sweet. Although I―

 

KATHLEEN sees the typewriter.

FRANKWhat?

KATHLEENWait a minute, what is that doing here?

FRANKOh, oh, my gosh. This is amazing. Listen.

 

Clicks on keys.

FRANK (cont'd)The Olympia Report Deluxe Electric. Report... as in gun shot.

KATHLEENThat sound is, uh, familiar.

FRANKListen to this. Listen to this.

KATHLEENWhat? That whirring?

FRANKThe gentle soothing lullaby of a piece of machinary so perfect.

KATHLEENI know where I've heard that before, Frank.

 

KATHLEEN lifts the cover of the other typewriter.

FRANK I needed a back up.

KATHLEENDon't you have another one of these at your apartment?

FRANKI might, I might.

KATH(cont'd)That you wrote a column about?

FRANKYes, who cares? What were you gonna say?

KATHLEENWhen?

FRANKBefore.

KATHLEEN Oh, nothing.

FRANK C'mon.

KATHLEEN Well, I'm just wondering, I'm wondering about my work. And I'm just‐‐ I mean, what is that I do exactly? All I really do is run a children's bookstore.

FRANK All you really do is this incredibly noble thing.

KATHLEEN Well, I don't know. I'm just‐‐

FRANK Kathleen! You‐‐

KATHLEEN I'm just‐‐

FRANK Are a lone reed. You are a lone reed... Standing tall... Waving boldly... In the corrupt sands of commerce.

KATHLEEN I am a lone reed.

FRANK Lone reed.

KATHLEENI am a lone reed...

 

 

16# (NIGHT ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER)

 

KATHLEEN (V.O.)Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life‐‐ Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder do I do it because I like it? Or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book when, shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just wanna send this cosmic question out into the void. So, good night, dear void.

 

 

16# (DAY ‐ JOE'S BOAT)

 

ANNABELLE FOX Hey Joe!

MATT FOX Hello, Joe!

JOE Hey! I know you! Ha ha ha! I know you! Hello, Annabelle, little girl. How are you? Hey. And you, Matthew, how are you?

MATT Good.

JOE Good. Are you ready to say hello to New Jersey?

J & A & MATT Hello, New Jersey!

GILLIAN Don't I get a hello?

JOE Hello, Gillian.

GILLIAN Kiss me, I'm going to be your wicked stepmother.

JOEThere you go. Hello, and who is this.

GILLIAN Nanny Maureen. I bought her in case you couldn't handle the kids.

ANNABELLE Maureen's getting a divorce.

JOEOh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

MAUREEN It's my own fault. Never marry a man who lies.

JOE That is so wise. Yes, Annabelle, remember that.

ANNABELLEShe taught Matt how to spell his name.

JOE Oh really? Let's hear it.

MATTF‐O‐X.

JOEExcellent, excellent. Y'know, I've got this covered. You can have the day off, and I'm sure you must be late for something. Volunteering at the Henry Street Settlement or rolling bandages for the Bosnian refugees.

GILLIANI am. I'm having my eggs harvested.

JOEAnd getting those eggs harvested. Don't worry about a thing. See you later!

ANNABELLEBye, Maureen. Bye, Gillian.

MATTBye, Mom.

JOEAll right, you guys. Are you ready to go out on the boat?

A & MATT No!

JOE What happened to you? What happened?

 

 

# 17 (DAY ‐ FALL FESTIVAL ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK)

 

JOE Heyyyyyyyyy! What do we win?

JOE juggling.

JOE Look, look, look, look, look, look!

 

MATT hitting the mallet game (whatever it is).

JOE Aw... Oh! Yes!

ANNABELLE Yay!

 

 

# 18 (DAY ‐ WALKING TOWARDS THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

ANNABELLE How are the fish doing?

JOE The fish are doing very well. I think they're very happy.

ANNABELLE Are they?

JOE Yes. Hey, you guys wanna go to a movie? How 'bout a movie?

ANNABELLE No, there's nothing good playing. Oh, look, it's Storybook Lady!

JOE Oh, well, are we at the right time? Yeah, yeah, let's go!

 

 

# 19 (DAY ‐ THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

KATHLEEN That it was, and I alone who had the idea of the great and daring mouse plot. We all have our moments of brilliance and glory and this was mine. "Why don't we," I said, "slip it into one of Mrs. Pratchett's jars of sweets and then when she puts her dirty hand in to grab a handful, she will grab a stinky, dead mouse instead." The other 4 stared at me in wonder. Then, as the sheer genius of the plot began to sink in, they all started grinning at me. They slapped me on the back, they cheered me, and they danced around the classroom. "We will do it today," they cried, "We'll do it on our way home. "You had the idea," they said to me, "So you can be the one ho puts the mouse in the jar.

GEORGE Uh, who belongs to this fish?

JOE Oh, that's mine. Could you give me a hand with these used books?

KATHLEEN And this is her best friend, Tacy, whose real name is Anastasia.

And in the next book, Tacy becomes friends with Tib, whose real name,

I'm sorry to tell you, is Thelma.

ANNABELLE Ooh!

KATHLEEN Oh, you might like this one, too.

GEORGE The, uh, illustrations are hand‐tipped.

JOE And that's why it costs so much?

GEORGE No, that's why it's so *worth* so much.

ANNABELLE I want *all* of them.

JOE Uh, I'll think about it.

KATHLEEN I think that's an awful lot for your dad to buy at one time.

ANNABELLE Oh, my dad gets me all the books I want.

KATHLEEN Well, that's very nice of him.

ANNABELLE Oh, that's not my dad, that's my *nephew*.

KATHLEEN You know, I dont' really think that *he* could be *your* nephew.

JOE No, no, no. It's true. Annabelle... is my aunt. Isn't that right, Aunt Annabelle?

ANNABELLE Uh huh! And Matt is his‐‐

KATHLEEN Oh, wait, wait, wait. Let me guess. Are you his... uncle?

MATT No...

KATHLEEN His grandfather?

MATT No!

KATHLEEN His great‐grandfather?

MATT I'm his brother!

JOE Matt is my father's son. Annabelle is my grandfather's daughter. We are... an American family.

ANNABELLE Ah‐choo!

KATHLEEN Oh, here you go, young lady.

ANNABELLE What's that?

KATHLEEN It's a handkerchief. Oh my,

do children not even know what a handkerchiefs are? A handkerchief is a kleenex that you don't throw away.

See? My mother embroidered this for me.

My initials and a daisy. Because daisies are my favorite flower.

JOE May I ask who you are?

KATHLEEN Kathleen Kelly. I own this store, and you are?

JOE Joe. Just call me Joe. We'll take these books.

GEORGE Ok. You're gonna come back, aren't you?

JOE Um, pff, yeah. Of course!

GEORGE See? That is why we are not gonna go under. Our customers are loyal.

KATHLEEN They're opening up a Fox Books store around the corner.

ANNABELLE Fox Books?! My daddy‐‐

JOE Likes to buy discount, but don't tell anybody that. There's nothing to be proud of.

MATT F‐O‐X.

KATHLEEN That is amazing! You can spell "fox"? Can you spell "dog"?

MATT F‐O‐X.

JOE Look at this dinosaur book. It's a pop‐up dinosaur book.

Wouldn't you like to have a dinosaur book like that?

Wouldn't you like to read that? Here, Annabelle, you sit

here and read Matt the book until I take care of things.

Whatever you do, just don't listen to anything I'm saying, ok? Thank you.

ANNABELLE Ok.

JOE We'll take that pop‐up book as well. The dinosaur book.

KATHLEEN You know, the world is not driven by discounts. Believe me,

I have been in business forever. I mean, I started helping my mother, after school here when I was 6 years old and I used to watch her.

And it wasn't that she was just selling books. She was helping people become, whoever was going to turn out to be.

Because when you read a book as a child, it becomes part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does, and I... have gotten carried away.

JOE Yeah... Yeah, you have. You've made me feel... Enchanting.

You're mother was enchanting.

KATHLEEN Yes, she was.

GEORGE Uh, how will you be paying for this?

JOE Cash.

KATHLEEN Well, how did you know that?

JOE Well, from the photograph right there.

KATHLEEN Oh.

JOE Is that you in the photograph? What are you doing?

KATHLEEN Twirling. My mother and I used to twirl. Anyway, she lef the store to me and I'm gonna leave it to my daughter.

GEORGE Uh, $73 dollars, please.

JOE How much?

GEORGE Uh, $73.

JOE Ooh... How old is your daughter now?

KATHLEEN Well, I don't have a daughter‐‐ Oh, no, I'm not married,

but, eventually, so, yeah, the big bad Fox Books can just go to‐‐

JOE Huh.

KATHLEEN There you go.

JOE Thank you. Hey, we ready?

A & MATTYeah.

JOE Hmm... this is nice.

ANNABELLE Good‐bye, Kathleen.

KATHLEEN Good‐bye, Annabelle. Good‐bye, Matt.

MATT Bye.

KATHLEEN Oh, oh, Matt. You know what? I have to ask you another thing.

Can you spell "cat"?

MATT F‐O‐X.

JOE Ha ha ha... "F‐O‐X", cat. Thanks! Good thing it wasn't the fish! Take care!

KA & GEHa ha ha!

 

 

#20 (MORNING ‐ FOX BOOKS GRAND OPENING)

 

JOE No protests. No demonstrations.

KEVIN The neighborhood loves us.

NELSON They're wondering where we've been all these years.

They're wondering how they ever did without us.

SHUYLER It's a hit!

NELSON How's the children's department?

JOE Well, it's early yet, school's not out, and there is that children's store nearby, Shop Around The Corner.

SHUYLER Cecilia's store. Cecilia Kelly. I think we might've had a date once.

JOE Her daughter owns it now.

NELSON We'll crush it.

SHUYLER She was enchanting.

 

 

#21 (NEAR DUSK ‐ THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

BIRDIE They've been open for 6 days and we did 12 hundred dollars

less than the same week last year.

KATHLEEN Well, that can be a fluke, right?

BIRDIE Or not.

KATHLEEN Listen, their store is new. It's a novelty. It will shake out meanwhile, I'm putting on more twinkle lights.

BIRDIE That's a fine idea.

CHRISTINA Well, what if we have to fold? And I'm never gonna find

another part‐time job, and then I'm not gonna be able to pay my rent, and I'm gonna have to move... to *Brooklyn*.

GEORGE Ah, the joy of rent control‐‐ 6 rooms for... 450 a month.

CHRISTINA We know. You've told us a million times. You know, I can't believe you're bringing this up at a time like this. It's‐‐ It's like those people who brag because they're tall.

GEORGE Uh‐‐

KATHLEEN Guys, we are not gonna fold.

GEORGE Hey, I‐‐ This place is a tomb. I'm going to the nut shop where it's fun.

 

GEORGE leaves.

KATHLEEN George? George?

 

MIRANDA MARGU looks in window.

KATH(cont'd) Miranda! Hi, hi!

MIR MA Oh, Kathleen, are you surviving?

KATHLEEN Well, we're so excited about your new book. When should we schedule a signing?

MIRANDA Oh, it's being pubished in January.

Are you going to be in business in January? I'm so worried.

KATHLEEN We're doing great, aren't we?

BIRDIE No difference whatsoever!

CHRISTINA Great...

MIRANDA Oh, thank God! Well, you know, you can count on me for anything.

Support, rallies, picket lines. We can get the Times to write something.

Or that *nut* from the Observer!

KATHLEEN What‐‐ What *nut* from the Observer?

MIRANDA Frank something‐or‐other. Then one who's so in love with his typewriter. This is just the thing that would outrage him!

KATHLEEN Oh...

 

 

#22 (EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN AND FRANK WALKING TO PEN DINNER)

 

FRANK A nut?! She called me a nut?

KATHLEEN That's not the point. She thinks my store is in trouble.

Now, why would she say that? There is enough business for us all.

FRANK Yes, there is. No question.

 

 

#23 (EVENING ‐ PEN DINNER)

 

KATHLEEN I mean, we are fine.

FRANK You're more than fine. You're absolutely fine.

KATHLEEN We are fine

FRANK Yes.

WOMAN How are you?

FR & KA look at each other.

FR & KA Fine.

FRANK Fine.

WOMAN Come in, Vince'll be so happy to see you.

FRANK Vince, congratulations! Guess who I saw in the subway this morning?

KATHLEEN Hi, Vince.

VINCE MARCINI Hi, hi.

FRANK (cont'd)William Spungeon.

VINCE I don't think so.

FRANK Don't‐‐ Don't say, "I don't think so"..

 

JOE is standing behind PATRICIA while she talks up a storm.

PATRICIA This is amazing. He said, "You should go to a retreat.

You really should go to a retreat.

 

JOE sees KATHLEEN.

PATRICIA Honey, will you get me another drink, sweetie? I'm all out.

"Because it's a really great place to calm... down."

 

JOE walks over to bar.

PATRI(cont'd) He said that to me, isn't that hilarious?

 

 

#24 (EVENING ‐ PEN DINNER (BAR)

 

WOMAN Excuse me.

MAN #1 Uh, champagne, please.

JOE Stoli on the rocks, but in a fresh glass, please.

 

KATHLEEN walks over and stands by the MAN #1.

JOE is on the other side.

KATHLEEN White wine, please.

BARTENDER Here ya go.

MAN #1 Thank you.

 

MAN #1 walks away.

KATHLEEN takes a closer look at JOE.

 

KATHLEEN Oh... hello!

JOE Hi!

KATHLEEN Ha ha! Hi, hi!

JOE Hi.

KATHLEEN Do you remember me from the bookstore?

JOE Ofcourse I remember you, yes. Hi.

KATHLEEN Hey, how's your aunt?

JOE Hehe. She's great, thank you.

KATHLEEN Sweet.

JOE I'd better go deliver this.

KATHLEEN Uh...

JOE (cont'd) I have a very thirsty date. She's quiet camel.

KATHLEEN Joe, right? Joe, isn't it?

JOE And you are Kathleen.

KATHLEEN Mm hmm.

 

JOE walks away leaving KATHLEEN a bit confused.

KATHLEEN takes her drink.

 

KATHLEEN Kathleen Kelly.

MAN #2 Two white wines, please.

BARTENDER Sure.

 

KATHLEEN walks back.

 

VINCE I cannot believe that you were speaking to Joe Fox.

KATHLEEN Joe Fox?

VINCE Joe Fox.

KATHLEE As in‐‐

VINCE As in, uh, he's gonna take over everything.

 

VINCE walks away.

 

 

#25 (EVENING ‐ PEN DINNER (FOOD TABLE)

 

JOE is scooping up food.

 

KATHLEEN Fox? Your last name is Fox?

JOE F‐O‐X.

KATHLEEN God, I didn't‐‐ I didn't realize. I didn't‐‐ I didn't know...

JOE Who you were with?

J(deep voice)cont'd I didn't know who you were with.

KATHLEEN Excuse me?

Joe(normal voice) It's from The Godfather. Sorry. It's from The Godfather.

It's when‐‐ When the, uh, movie producer realizes

that Tom Hagen is an emissary of Vito Corleone, you know?

It's just before the horse's head ends up in the bed with all the bloody sheets, y'know? Wakes up, and it's, Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh... Never mind.

KATHLEEN You were spying on me, weren't you? Hmm? You probably rented those children.

JOE Why would I spy on you?

KATHLEEN Because I am your competition, which you know perfectly well, or you would not have put up that sign, "Just around the corner".

JOE The entrance to our store is around the corner, and there is no other way or saying that. It's not the name of our store, it's where it is. And you do not own the phrase, "Around the corner!"

 

JOE scraping caviar from a plate.

 

KATHLEEN What is that? What are you doing? You're taking all the caviar? That caviar is a garnish!

 

JOE scrapes up even more.

KATHLEEN gasps and scoops the caviar from JOE's plate back.

 

JOE Look, the reason I came into your store was because I was spending the day with Annabelle and Matt and I was buying them presents. I'm the type of guy who likes to buy his way into the heart of children who are his relatives.

There was only one place to find a children's book in the neighborhood, but hey,

that will not always be the case, and it is a‐‐ *Charming* little bookstore.

You probably sell, what, $350, 000 worth of books in a year?

KATHLEEN How did you know that?

JOE I'm in the book business.

 

KATHLEEN shakes her head.

 

KATHLEEN *I* am in the book business.

JOE I see, and we are the price club, only instead of a 10 gallon vat of olive oil for $3.99 that won't even fit under your kitchen cabinet, *we* sell cheap books. *Me*, a spy, oh absolutely. I have in my possession, the super‐duper secret printout of the sales figure of a bookstore so inconsequential, yet full of its own virtue that I was immediately compelled to rushed over for fear that it's gonna put me out of business.

 

KATHLEEN is speechless and squeaks.

JOE looks up and down at her.

 

JOE What? What?

FRANK walks over.

FRANK Hey. How ya doing? Frank Navasky.

JOE Joe Fox.

KATHLEEN grunts.

FRANK Joe Fox?

JOE F‐O‐X.

FRANK The inventor of the superstore, of course‐‐ The enemy of the mid‐list novel, the destroyer of City Books. Tell me something, really‐‐ How do you sleep at night?

 

PATRICIA walkes over.

 

PATRICIA Oh, I use a wonderful over‐the‐counter‐drug‐‐ Ultra Dorm.

Don't take the whole thing, just half, and you'll wake up with the tiniest hang over. You're Frank Navasky, aren't you?

FRANK Yes. Leaving‐‐

PATRICIA Your last piece‐‐ in the Observer‐‐ about Anthony Powell was‐‐ was brilliant.

FRANK Really?

PATRICIA Brilliant, yes. I'm Patricia Eden.

FRANK Hi.

PATRICIA Hi, Eden books. Joe, this man is the greatest living expert of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

FRANK You‐‐ you really liked my‐‐

JOE This is Kathleen Kelly.

PATRICIA Hi.

FRANK My piece? I'm sorry. I'm just‐‐ You know? I'm‐‐ flattered.

You write these things and you think someone's gonna mention them, and a week goes by and the phone doesn't ring, and you start to think, I'm‐‐ I'm a fraud. I'm‐‐ I'm a failure or something and to hear that‐‐

PATRICIA You know what always fascinated me about Julius and Ethel Rosenberg? Is how old they looked when they really just... our age! You know?

Wow, I'm so happy to have finally met you. We will talk. Have you ever thought about doing a book?

FRANK Uh, it's crossed my mind. Something relevant for today. Like the Luddite movement‐‐

KATHLEEN Frank.

FRANK (cont'd) Or the 19th Century England or something. We should talk! Call me!

KATHLEEN C'mon, Frank.

JOE Hey hun, have you ever had a caviar garnish?

 

 

#26 (EVENING ‐ JOE AND PATRICIA'S BED)

 

PATRICIA You know, I had no idea that Frank Navasky was gonna be so down‐to‐earth. Y'know, you read his stuff, and you think he's gonna be so obscure and so abstruse. He's always talking about Heidegger, faucault, and I have no idea what any of that's about, really.

 

PATRICIA tries to snuggle.

 

PATRICIA Oooh, mmm.

JOE gets up.

PATRICIA Oh...

JOE Y'know, I'm not tire‐‐ I'm not.

 

PATRICIA is snoring.

 

 

#27 (EVENING ‐ JOE'S COMPUTER)

 

JOE (V.O.) Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself?

That a Pandora's Box of all the secret, hateful parts, your arrogance, your spite, and your condescension has sprung open? Someone provokes you, and instead of smiling and moving on, you *zing* them. "Hello, it's Mr. Nasty." I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about.

 

 

#28 (MORNING ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER)

 

KATH (V.O.) No, I know what you mean, and I'm completely jealous!

What happens to me when I get provoked is I get tongue‐tied and my mind goes...

KATHLEEN Blank. And then‐‐

KATH(V.O.) Then I spend all night tossing and turning trying to figure out what I should've said. What should I have said, for example.. to a...

KATHLEEN Bo‐ttom‐dweller. Who recently belittled my existense?

Nothing... Nothing, even now.

KATHLEEN (V.O.) Even now..

KATHLEEN Days later...

KATHLEEN (V.O.) I can't figure it out.

 

 

#29 (EVENING ‐ JOE'S COMPUTER)

 

JOE (V.O) Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers to you,

and then I would never behave badly, and you could behave badly all the time, and we'd both be happy!

But then, on the other hand, I must warn you, that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.

Do you think we... should meet?

 

 

#30 (EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER)

 

KATHLEEN Meet? Oh, my God...

 

KATHLEEN closes her computer.

 

 

 

#31 (EVENING ‐ SUPERMARKET)

 

CASHIER 72, 27. ($72.27)

 

KATHLEEN hands her credit card.

 

CASHIER This is a cash‐only line.

KATHLEEN What?

CASHIER Cash only.

KATHLEEN Oh, oh, my God. Oh my God. Oh, I just have a credit card. Is‐I'm sorry. Is that ok?

MAN No, it's not ok. There's a sign!

KATHLEEN I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I‐‐ I never do this. But I'm asking for you to make an exception just this‐‐ this one case.

MAN You have no cash? She has no cash.

WOMAN #1 No, she has no cash.

WOMAN #2 Oh, get in another line, lady.

KATHLEEN I have a dollar. That's all I have. 1 dollar. Is there anything you can do‐‐

JOE Hello.

KATHLEEN Hi...

JOE Hi, you need some money?

KATHLEEN No! I do not need any money, thank you very much.

CASHIER Get in another line.

JOE Hi, Rose. That is a great name. Rose... This is Kathleen. I'm Joe.

MAN And I'm Henry!

JOE Henry, how are you? Happy holidays! This is a credit card machine... Happy Thanksgiving... It's your turn to say Happy Thanksgiving back.

CASHIER Happy Thanksgiving back.

JOE Knock knock.

CASHIER Who's there?

JOE Orange.

CASHIER Orange who?

JOE Orange you going to give us a break and zipping this credit card through the credit card machine? C'mon. You can do it. Zip, zip.

There you go. Rose. Ah, that is a great name. So, you're fine.

KATHLEEN Fine...

JOE Happy thanksgiving. Henry, happy thanksgiving.

KATHLEEN I'm so sorry, really, I apologize. I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

MAN So, sign alrready. I'd like to get home in time for the Thanksgiving parade.

CASHIER You have my pen.

 

 

#32 (EVENING ‐ EVENING PARTY)

 

ANNABELLE sings "Tomorrow".

GILLIAN comes on to JOE.

 

NELSON Wonderful! Wonderful!

ANNABELLE Thank you!

 

 

# 33 (EVENING ‐ BIRDIE'S HOUSE.)

 

EVERYONE is singing christmas carols.

 

 

#34 (EVENING ‐ THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

KATHLEEN is decorating the window display.

CHILD walks by.

 

CHILD Hi, Kathleen!

KATH(V.O) "It's coming on Christmas, and they're cutting down trees."

You know that Joni Mitchell song? "I wish I had a river that I could skate away on." Such a sad song, and not really about Christmas at all, but I was thinking about it as I was decorating my Christmas tree. Unwrapping funky ornaments made of popsicle sticks and missing my mother so much I almost couldn't breathe.

 

 

#35 (EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER)

 

KATHLEEN (V.O.) cont'd

I always miss my mother at Christmas, but somehow it is worse this year since I need some advice from her.

And I need her to make me some cocoa and tell me that everything that’s going badly in my life will sort itself out.

 

 

#36 (DAY ‐ JOE'S COMPUTER)

 

JOE (V.O.) What kind of advice do you need? Can I help?

 

 

#37 (DAY ‐ KATHLEEN'S BED)

 

KATH (V.O.) Can you help? I wish you could help. I wish‐‐

AOL INSTANT MESSAGE rings.

JOE (V.O.) I had a gut feeling you would be online now.

 

 

#38 (DAY ‐ JOE'S BED)

 

JOE Hi.

JOE (V.O.) I can give you advice. I'm *great* at advice.

 

 

#39 (DAY ‐ KATHLEEN'S BED)

 

KATHLEEN Uh‐oh.

KATH(V.O.) If only you could help.

 

(DAY ‐ JOE'S BED)

JOE Ooh.

JOE (V.O.) Is it about love?

JOE Please say no.

 

(DAY ‐ KATHLEEN'S BED)

KATHLEEN No... How cute is that?

KATHLEEN (V.O.) My business is in trouble.

 

(DAY ‐ JOE'S BED)

JOE Huh. Well...

JOE (V.O.) I'm a brilliant businessman. It's what I do best. What's your business?

 

(DAY ‐ KATHLEEN'S BED)

KATHLEEN Uh‐uh. No.

KATHLEEN (V.O.) No specifics, remember?

 

(DAY ‐ JOE'S BED)

JOE Ok... Hmm... Well...

JOE (V.O.) Minus specifics, it's hard to help. Except to say... "Go to the matresses."

 

(DAY ‐ KATHLEEN'S BED)

KATHLEEN "Except to say go to the matre‐‐ What? What does that mean?

 

(DAY ‐ JOE'S BED)

JOE (V.O.) It's from The Godfather. It means you have to go to war.

JOE Mm‐hmm.

 

(DAY ‐ KATHLEEN'S BED)

KATHLEEN What is it with men and The Godfather?! Hello?

 

 

#40 (DAY ‐ JOE'S BED)

 

JOE Oh, c'mon, hello? Well...

JOE (huskey voice)Well, what can I‐‐ Michael come‐

JOE (V.O.) The Godfather is the I Ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. What should I pack for my summer vacation. Leave the gun, take the connoli.What day of the week is it?

JOE (Godfather v.) Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday!

JOE (V.O.) And the answer to your question is "Go to the mattresses."

You're at war. "It's not personal, it's business. It's not personal, it's business." Recite that to yourself every time you feel you're losing your nerve. I know you worry about being brave.

JOE Don't.

JOE(V.O.)cont'd This is your chance. Fight.

JOE Fight.

JOE (V.O.) Fight to the death.

JOE Fight to the death.

 

 

#41 (DAY ‐ KATHLEEN'S BED)

 

KATHLEEN mutters to herself.

 

KATHLEEN It's not personal, it's business. Just fight! Fight, fight, fight!

 

FRANK comes home.

KATHLEEN stashes away her computer and acts natural.

 

FRANK Hey.

KATHLEEN Hey. I've been thinking... Frank.

FRANK What?

KATHLEEN I've decided to go to the mattresses. Do you think it would be a gigantic conflict of interest if you convert something about the store?

FRANK Yes.

KATHLEEN Yes?

FRANK No.

KATHLEEN So, you'll do it?

FRANK Yes...yes.

KATHLEEN Do you know what it is‐‐ to go to the mattresses?

FRANK From The Godfather.

 

 

#42 (MORNING ‐ THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

GEORGE Good morning. Shop Around the Corner. George speaking, may I help you?

CHRISTINA Kathleen, the Channel 2 truck just pulled up.

KATHLEEN Oh, in a second.

CHRISTINA Everyone's read the article.

BIRDIE "We do not have to look at any usual places where good and evil face off, the place where Herodutus called..."

BIRDIE & FRANK "The Happy Land of Absolutes."

BIRDIE "We have the perfect example here on the west side."

BIRDIE & FRANK "Where cold cash cow..."

BIRDE "Fox Books threatens survival of a temple to one of the 20th century's most profound truth. You are what you read."

FRANK I believe that.

BIRDIE "Save The Shop Around the Corner, and you will save your soul." Oh, Frank, that's... Charming.

FRANK You think it's a little over the top?

GEORGE That was the Villiage Voice. I told them to come over whenever.

KATHLEEN Oh, *man*. Ok, all right. "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee."

 

 

#43 ( MORNING ‐ FOX BOOKS)

 

PROTESTORS 1, 2, 3, 4, we don't want your superstore. 5, 6, 7, 8, go away and close the gate. 1, 2 , 3, 4...

JOE "We don't want this superstore."

NELSON Is that what they're saying?

JOE Catchy, yeah. Well, who wrote that?

NELSON It's annoying. Pissing me off, actually.

 

 

#44 (DAY ‐ OUTSIDE OF SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

KATHLEEN Do you want the west side to become one big gigantic strip mall?

FOLLOWERS No!

KATHLEEN Do you wanna get off the subway at 72nd and Broadway and not even know you're in New York City?

FOLLOWERS No!

KATHLEEN Can we save The Shop Around The Corner?

FOLLOWERS Yes!

 

 

#45 (EVENING ‐ ATHLETIC CLUB)

 

REPORTER(on tv) We're here in front of the The Shop Around the Corner, the famous west side children's bookstore, now on the verge of having to close its doors, because the big bad wolf, Fox Books, has opened only a few hundred feet away, wooing customers with sharp discounts and designer coffee.

KATH (on tv) Well‐‐ Well, they‐‐ they have to have discounts and lattes because most of the people who work there have never read a book.

JOE She's not as nice as she seems on television.

KEVIN You met her?

JOE Yeah, boy.. She's a pill.

KEVIN She probably ain't as fine as she looks on TV, either.

JOE Oh, no, no. She's beautiful, but... She's a pill.

KEVIN You don't feel bad? About basically sending her ass back to the projects with food stamps... Broke, single, white lady?

JOE It's not personal.

KEVIN It's business.

JOE Yeah. Hey! Here's a good‐looking guy!

JOE (on tv) I sell cheap books. I do, so sue me.

REPORTER (on tv) And, that... and in a nut shell is the Fox Books philosophy.

JOE Hey!

KEVIN That's what you said?!

JOE Well, yeah, that's not *all* I said! I said‐‐ Oh, I can't believe those bastards. I said we were great. I said you could sit and read for hours and no one would bother ya. I said we had a 150,000 titles. I showed them the New York City section. I said we were a Goddamn piazza, a place in the city where people could mingle and mix and be.

KEVIN "Piazza"?

JOE I was eloquent! Shit!

KEVIN "Piazza".

JOE Well, it's inevitable, I guess. People wanna turn her into the Joan of Arc.

KEVIN And you into Attila the Hun.

JOE Well, not me, personally, but the company, yeah.

REPORTER (on tv) ...and makes no apologies.

KATHLEEN (on tv) I have met Joe Fox, and I have heard him compare is store to the price club and the books in it to cans of olive oil.

 

JOE falls off the treadmill.

 

JOE Dooh! Ooh! Ow!

 

 

#46 (EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN'S APARTMENT)

 

SYDNEY‐ANN (INTERVIEWER) The Bookstore, tell us about it.

FRANK The Shop Around the Corner has a kind of Jeffersonian purity to it that the city needs in order to maintain historical integrity.

SYDNEY‐ANN "Jeffersonian purity."

KATHLEEN That was nice. Thank you. Thank you, that was really good.

FRANK (off tv) Are you taping this?

KATHLEN Yeah, I'm taping this.

FRANK Technologically speaking, the world's getting out of hand, Sydney‐Ann. I mean, take the VCR. The whole idea behind the VCR is so you can tape what's on television when you leave the house.

SYDNEY‐ANN Right.

FRANK Of course the whole idea of leaving the house is so you can miss what's on television.

KATHLEEN Yeah, I've heard you say that before.

FRANK (off tv) She hasn't.

SYDNEY‐ANN Absolutely! Ha ha ha! Right!

FRANK (off tv) She gets it. She gets it.

FRANK The radio... There's a medium I can behind.

SYDNEY‐ANN Well...

KATHLEEN Are you gonna start collecting radios now?

FRANK (off tv) Sh! Sh! Sh! Sh!

SYDNEY‐ANN We're on television. You're good at it.

FRANK No, no, no, no.

SYDNEY‐ANN Oh yes.

KATHLEEN Frank.

FRANK (off tv)What?

KATHLEEN She's making a‐‐ She's coming on to you!

FRANK (off tv)No, no, no! This is‐‐ They do this on television.

FRANK The Shop Around The Corner, it's a true New York treasure.

SYDNEY‐ANN As are you.

FRANK (off tv)Ha ha ha ha...

SYDNEY‐ANN Honestly, I'd‐‐ I'd like to have you back.

KATHLEEN Is she sweating?

FRANK (off tv)No.

KATHLEEN She's touching herself and she's sweating.

FRANK Well, I‐‐ Anytime.

FRANK (of tv) Ok‐‐ Ok, we can turn it off.

KATHLEEN No, oh my God

FRANK 'Cause I just wanna say that yours is the only show that I do watch.

KATHLEEN Oh my God.

FRANK (off tv)No, no, no, no! I was being polite.

SYDNEY‐ANN Thank you, Frank Navasky.

FRANK No‐‐ No, thank you're. Thank‐‐ Thank you're. Ha ha. Sorry.

SYDNEY‐ANN Thank you're‐‐

KATHLEEN "Thank you're"??

SYDNEY‐ANN "Thank you're", ladies and gentlemen. And next week on Print Watch...

FRANK (off tv) Ha ha... I slobbered all over her, didn't I? Ha ha ha...

KATHLEEN Yeah...

FRANK Well, I think there's‐‐ There's, uh, something there.

 

 

#47 (EVENING ‐ THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

KATHLEEN puts on the "closed" sign.

 

GEORGE So, first, I gotta go get some eucalyptus candles because it makes my apartment smell mossy. Then I'm going to market and I can't decide whether to get sausage for the meat sauce or chopped meat.

BIRDIE Spare us.

GEORGE You know what? Clam sauce. Yeah, because this is a big date.

 

GEORGE leaves.

KATHLEEN Ohh, don't tell me. Not the slightest difference?

 

BIRDIE shakes her head.

 

KATHLEEN How can that be? All this publicity and not one bit of difference? Oh, Birdie, what am I gonna do? What would mom have done?

BIRDIE Well, let's ask her.

 

BIRDIE takes out a locket with CECILIA's picture.

 

BIRDIE Cecilia, what should we do?

KATHLEEN Birdie‐‐

BIRDIE Sh! Sh! She has no idea, but she thinks the window display is lovely.

BIRDIE kisses KATHLEEN on the cheek.

BIRDIE Good night, dearie.

KATHLEEN Night.

 

 

#48 (EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER)

 

KATHLEEN (V.O.) I need help. Do you still want to meet me?

 

EVENING ‐ JOE'S OFFICE

 

JOE (V.O.) I would love to meet you. Where? When?

 

EVENING ‐ JOE AND KEVIN WALKING TOWARDS CAFE LALO

 

KEVIN So, I suppose she's carrying a copy of a book with a flower in it? He he... Not really? Ugh.. She could be a real dog, man.

JOE I'm only staying 10 minutes. I'm gonna say hello, I'm gonna have a cup of coffee, and then I'm gonna split. That's what I'm going to do. I hope she doesn't have one of those high, squeaky voices like the mice in Cinderella. I hate that‐‐ Why am I even doing this? Why am I even compelled to meet her? Why?

KEVIN Joe, relax. You're just taking it to the next level. I *always* do that. I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that. Until I finally reach that level where it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.

JOE Huh. And I'm not gonna stay that long anyway. I already said that, didn't I?

KEVIN Yes, you did.

JOE D'oh!

 

 

#49 (EVENING ‐ OUTSIDE CAFE LALO)

 

JOE Well, Cafe Lalo. This is it. 8 o'clock. Boy, we got here fast, didn't we?

KEVIN Yep.

JOE Kevin, this woman is the most adorable creature I have ever been in contact with, and if she turns out be even as good looking as a *mailbox*, I'd be crazy not to turn my life upside down to marry her.

KEVIN She could be a real dog, but good luck!

 

KEVIN chuckles and tries to leave, but JOE stops him.

 

JOE Could you go and look for me?

KEVIN Me?

JOE Yes, just go look through the window and check her out, please.

KEVIN All right. You pathetic, man.

JOE He he... I know.

KEVIN All right, I'll see what I see.

JOE You see her?

KEVIN Nah... Oh.. wait‐‐ yeah! I see a *very* beautiful girl. Oh, she's fine. She's fine.

JOE I knew it.

KEVIN Whoo! She's gorgeous!

JOE I knew she would be. I knew it.

KEVIN But no book. Ha ha.. All right. Ok, wait. Wait‐‐ wait a minute. Ok, there's a book with a flower, so that's gotta be her.

JOE And what does she look like?!

KEVIN Can't see her. Waiter's blocking.

JOE Damn it!

KEVIN Hold on. He's moving. He's moving.

JOE Yeah?

KEVIN Ah...

JOE Can you see her? Can you see her?!

KEVIN Yeah...

JOE And?

KEVIN She's *very* pretty.

JOE She is! I knew she would be. She had to be! Ha ha!

KEVIN You know what? She looks... I mean, she almost has the same coloring as... That Kathleen Kelly person.

JOE Kathleen Kelly from the little bookstore?

KEVIN Well, why not? You said you thought she was attractive.

JOE Absolutely, yes. Why not? Who cares about Kathleen Kelly?

KEVIN Well, if you don't like Kathleen Kelly, then I can tell you right now... You ain't gonna like this girl.

JOE Why not?

KEVIN Because it *is* Kathleen Kelly.

 

JOE checks her out himself.

 

KEVIN So, what are you gonna do?

JOE Nothing.

KEVIN What do you mean "nothing"? You're just gonna let her wait there all night?

JOE Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Good night, Kevin, I'll see you in the morning.

 

 

#50 (EVENING ‐ INSIDE CAFE LALO)

 

MAN You mind if I borrow this chair?

KATHLEEN Yes! Yes, I mind. Sorry.

WAITER Would you like another tea?

KATHLEEN Yes, thank you. Oh, excuse me.

WAITER Thanks.

 

JOE walks in.

 

JOE Kathleen Kelly. Hello. This is a coincidence. Would you mind if I sit down?

KATHLEEN Yes! Yes, I would, actually. I'm expecting someone, thanks.

JOE Pride and Prejudice.

KATHLEEN Do you mind?

JOE I bet you read that book every year. I bet you just love that *Mr. Darcy* and your sentimental heart just beats wildly at the thought that he and uh‐‐ well‐‐ you know, whatever‐her‐name‐is are truly, honestly going to end up together.

 

JOE sits down.

 

WAITER Can I get you something?

KATHLEEN No, no. He's not staying.

JOE Mochacino, decaf, non‐fat.

KATHLEEN No, no. You are not staying.

JOE I'll just stay here until your friend gets here. Gee... Is he late?

KATHLEEN The heroine of Pride And Prejudice is Elizabeth Bennet. She is one of the greatest and most complex characters ever written, not that you would know.

JOE As a matter of fact, I've read it.

KATHLEEN Oh, well, good for you.

JOE I think you'd discover a lot of things if you really kenw me.

KATHLEEN If I really knew you, I know what I would find. Instead of a brain, a cash register. Instead of a heart, a bottom line.

 

KATHLEEN in amazment.

 

JOE What?

KATHLEEN I just had a breakthrough!

JOE What is it?

KATHLEEN I have you to thank for it. For the first time in my life, when confronted with a horrible, insensitive person, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and I said it!

JOE Well, I think you have a gift for it. That was a perfect blend of poetry and meanness.

KATHLEEN Meanness? Let me tell you something about meanness‐‐

JOE Don't misunderstand. I'm just trying to pay you a compliment.

 

JOE picks up the flower.

 

KATHLEEN Oh, oh. Why are you touching that? What are you doing?

JOE What is this? Is this a red rose? No, no. Y'know, it's a Crimson Rose. Something you read in a book, no doubt.

KATHLEEN It's funny to you, isn't it? Everything's a joke a to you.

 

TWO OLD LADIES come in.

 

KATHLEEN Please leave. Please, please leave. I beg you.

 

JOE moves to the table behind KATHLEEN.

KATHLEEN pretends to be wiping herself with a handkerchief and

looking into the mirror. JOE looks back and catches her.

 

KATHLEEN Ahh!

JOE You know what that hanky reminds me of?

KATHLEEN Hmm.

JOE First day I met you.

KATHLEEN First day you lied to me.

JOE I didn't lie to you.

KATHLEEN You did too.

JOE No, I didn't.

KATHLEEN Yes, you did.

JOE I did not.

KATHLEEN You did too.

JOE I did not!

KATHLEE Yeah, you did too. Oh, I thought all that Fox stuff was so charming, "F‐O‐X"!

JOE Well, I didn't lie about it.

KATHLEEN "Joe. Just call me Joe"?

JOE Sure.

KATHLEEN As if you were one of those stupid 22 year‐old girls with no last names. "Hi, I'm Kimberly." "Hi, I'm Janice." Don't they know you're supposed to have a last name? It's like they're an entire generation of cocktail waitresses.

 

JOE moves back.

 

JOE Look... I am *not* a 22 year‐old cocktail waitress.

KATHLEEN That is not what I meant.

JOE And when I said the thing about the price club and the cans of olive oil, that's not what *I* meant.

KATHLEEN Oh, you poor sad multimillionaire. I feel so sorry for you.

 

MAN WITH CAPE walks in.

 

JOE I'll take a wild guess that that's not him either. So, who is he, I wonder? Certainly not, I gather, the world's greatest living expert of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg? But somebody else entirely different. And will you be mean to him, too?

KATHLEEN No, I will not. Because the man who is coming here tonight is completely unlike you. The man who is coming here tonight is kind and funny. He's got the most wonderful sense of humor‐‐

JOE But... *He's* not here.

KATHLEEN Well, if he's not here, he has a reason. Because there is not one cruel or careless bone in his body. But I wouldn't expect someone lik you to understand anybody like that. You with your theme‐park, multilevel, hemmogenize‐the‐world, mochaccinoland. You've deluded yourself into thinking you're some sort of benefactor bringing books to the masses. But no one will ever remember you, Joe Fox. And maybe no one will remember me either, but plenty of people will always remember my mother. And they think she was fine, and they think her store was something special. *You* are nothing but a suit.

JOE That's my cue. Uh, good night.

 

JOE takes his coat and leaves.

 

 

#51 (EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN'S APARTMENT)

 

KATHLEEN checks her e‐mail. No new mail.

EVENING ‐ JOE'S APARTMENT

JOE is getting ready for bed.

 

PATRICIA So then the agent asked for $600,000 and I said to her, "If you think I'm even going to talk to you about an advance, an author whose last book is being used as trivets all over the world, you are completely crazy."

 

 

#52 (MORNING ‐ FOX BOOKS)

 

JOE She was insulting and provocative and the only thing pleasant about her was the way that her hair fell across her forehead.

KEVIN Yeah, but underneath that disagreeable exterior, she might turn out to be a‐‐ a‐‐

JOE A real bitch. Let's not talk about it. I'm going back to the office, and I'm sure you've got some work you have to do.

KEVIN Not really. This place is a well‐oiled machine, my friend.

 

 

#53 (MORNING ‐ THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

CHRISTINA So, what happened?

KATHLEEN He never came.

CHRISTINA He stood you up.

KATHLEEN Well, I wouldn't exactly characterize it in that way. I think something happened. Something terrible and unexpected happened that made it impossible for him to‐‐ What if he showed up, took one look at me, and left?

CHRISTINA Not possible.

KATHLEEN Maybe there was a subway accident.

CHRISTINA Absolutely!

KATHLEEN A train got trapped underground with him inside.

CHRISTINA And no phone.

KATHLEEN And you know how those express trains create suction?

 

GEORGE walks in.

 

GEORGE Good morning!

CHRISTINA He got sucked in!

KATHLEEN The third rail!

CHRISTINA He's toast!

GEORGE What happened?

KATHLEEN He was unable to make it.

GEORGE He stood you up?

KATHLEEN Maybe... He had a car accident. Those cab drivers are maniacs.

CHRISTINA Yeah, they hit something, and you slam into that plastic partition.

KATHLEEN Or his elbows were in splints, so he couldn't really dial.

CHRISTINA Or he could be unconscience.

KATHLEEN A coma...

CHRISTINA Stuck in intensive care.

KATHLEEN With that heart monitor beeping...

CH & KA And no phone.

 

GEORGE waves for their attention.

 

GEORGE There‐‐

KATHLEEN What?

 

Newspaper reads COPS NAB ROOFTOP KILLER.

 

KATHLEEN What are you saying?

GEORGE It could be. He was arrested two blocks from the cafe.

CHRISTINA Is there a picture? So that explains it.

GEORGE He was in jail.

CHRISTINA And there *was* a phone.

GEORGE But he only got one call, so he called his lawyer.

CHRISTINA You are *so* lucky.

GEORGE You could be *dead*.

KATHLEEN He couldn't possibly be the rooftop killer!

CHRISTINA Remember when you thought Frank might be the Unabomber?

KATHLEEN Well..... That was different.

CHRISTINA How long did you sit there all alone?

KATHLEEN Not long. Joe Fox came in.

CHRISTINA Joe Fox?!

KATHLEEN I don't wanna talk about it. Let's just get to work. There's gotta be something to do. There's always something to do.

GEORGE Hey... Look at this.

CHRISTINA He looks kinda cute.

 

BIRDIE comes into the store.

 

BIRDIE So?

GEORGE He was, uh, unavoidably detained.

BIRDIE He stood you up?

KATHLEEN (V.O.) I've been thinking about you. Last night I went to meet you, but you weren't there. I wish I knew why. I felt so foolish.

 

EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

 

KATHLEEN (V.O.) And as I waited, someone else showed up‐‐ a man who has made my professional life a misery‐‐ and an amazing thing happened. I was able to, for the first time in my life, to say the exact thing I wanted to say, the exact moment I wanted to say it. And ofcourse, afterwards, I felt terrible. Just as you said I would. I was cruel, and I'm never cruel.

 

 

#54 (EVENING ‐ JOE'S APARTMENT)

 

KATHLEEN (V.O.) cont'd And even though I can hardly believe what I said mattered this man‐‐ to him, I am just a bug to be crushed‐‐ but what if it did? No matter what he's done to me, there is no excuse for my behavior. Anyway, I so wanted to talk to you. I hope you have a good reason for not being there last night. You don't seem like the kind of person that would do something like that. The odd thing about this form of communication is that you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just wanted to say, that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many... somethings. So, thanks.

JOE (V.O.) I'm in... Vancouver.

 

JOE deletes it.

 

JOE (V.O.) I was stuck in a meeting which I couldn't get out of, and the electricity went out in the building. And... we were trapped on the... 38th floor. And... the telephone system blew, too. He he... Amazingly enough.

 

JOE deletes it.

 

JOE (V.O.) Dear friend, I cannot tell you what happened last night. But I beg you from the bottom of my heart to forgive me for not being there.... For what happened. I feel terrible that you found yourself in a situation that caused you additional pain. But I'm absolutely sure that whatever you said last night was provoked... even deserved. And everyone says things they regret when they're worried or stressed. You were expecting to see someone you trusted... and met the enemy instead. The fault is mine. Some day, I'll explain everything. Meanwhile, I'm still here. Talk to me.

 

 

#55 (DAY ‐ KATHLEEN AND CHRISTINA WALKING TO BIRIDIE'S HOUSE)

 

CHRISTINA Did he say anything about wanting to meet you again?

KATHLEEN No, not really. Listen, it doesn't matter. We'll just be like George Bernard Shaw and Mrs. Patrick Campbell. We'll write letters our whole lives.

 

DAY ‐ BIRDIE'S HOUSE

 

BIRDIE Thank you for the scones. They look lovely!

CHRISTINA Birdie, where was this one taken?

BIRDIE Seville.

KATHLEEN When you fell madly in love?

BIRDIE Yes. So, Dearie, what have you decided to do?

KATHLEEN Close. We're going to close.

CHRISTINA Close...

BIRDIE Closing the store is the brave thing to do.

KATHLEEN Oh... You are such a liar, but thank you.

BIRDIE You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure now, but you're not. You are marching into the unknown, armed with... nothing. Have a sandwich.

KATHLEEN Well, not *nothing*. I have a little money saved.

BIRDIE If you need more, ask me. I'm very rich. I bought Intel at 6. Now I suppose you want me to tell who it was I fell madly in love with... But I'm not going to tell.

CHRISTINA Who was it, Birdie? Come on, tell‐‐ Oh, that is so mean... But so romantic.

BIRDIE It wasn't meant to be.

KATHLEEN Why not?

BIRDIE He ran Spain.

CHRISINA *Spain*??

BIRDIE The country, he ran it. It was his job. And then he died. Which is just as well... Milk or lemon?

 

 

#56 (EVENING ‐ MOVIE THEATER)

 

FRANK She fell in love with Generalissimo Franco.

KATHLEEN Oh, don't say that, really. We don't know that for sure.

FRANK Well, who else could it have been? It was probably around 1960.

KATHLEEN Do you want some popcorn?

FRANK I can' believe this! I mean, it wasn't like he was something normal, like a socialist, or an anarchist or something‐‐

KATHLEEN It happened in Spain. People do really stupid things in foreign countries.

FRANK Absolutely. They buy leather jackets for *much* more than they're worth, but they don't fall in love with fascist dictators.

KA& FR sit down in the theatre.

KATHLEEN Birdie is a very special person to me. She is practically my surrogate mother.

FRANK Well, she's out of her mind.

KATHLEEN She is not!

FRANK I can never be with anybody who doesn't take politics as seriously as I do.

WOMAN Do you mind?

FRANK A hotdog is singing. You need quiet when the hotdog is singing?!

KATHLEEN I have something to tell you Frank. I didn't vote.

FRANK What?

KATHLEEN In the last mayoral election, when Rudy Guilliani was running against Ruth Messenger, I went to get a manicure and I forgot to vote.

FRANK Since when did you get manicures?

KATHLEEN Oh, I suppose you can never be with a woman who gets manicures.

FRANK Never mind! It's ok. I forgive you.

KATHLEEN *You* forgive *me*?!

 

KATHLEEN puts on coat and leaves the theatre.

 

KATHLEEN Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

 

 

#57 (EVENING ‐ WALKING FROM THE THEATRE)

 

FRANK Look, this has been a big week. You're closing the store.

KATHLEEN No, it's not that, Frank. Really, it's not. It's just that I‐‐

FRANK I know. I know. I know. I know. That was terrible of me.

KATHLEEN What? What was terrible of you?

FRANK Jumping all over you when I'm the one... God, I don't even know how to say is.

KATHLEEN What is it? What?

 

 

#58 (EVENING ‐ RESTAURANT)

 

FRANK You're a wonderful person, Kathleen.

KATHLEEN So are you.

FRANK And I am so honored that you would want to be with me because you would never be with anyone who wasn't truly worthy.

KATHLEEN I feel exactly the same way.

FRANK Oh, God. Don't‐‐ Don't‐‐ Don't say that. That makes it worse.

KATHLEEN What...? You don't love me.

 

FRANK shakes his head.

KATHLEEN laughs.

 

KATHLEEN Me either!

FRANK You don't love me?

KATHLEEN No.

FRANK But we are so right for each other.

KATHLEEN I know! I know! Oh! Well, is there‐‐ Is there someone else, or...? Oh! That woman on television‐‐ Sydney‐Ann.

FRANK Uh, well, nothing has happened or anything.

KATHLEEN Oh, Frank, is she a republican?

FRANK I‐‐ can't help myself.

 

KATHLEEN bursts into laughs.

 

FRANK What about you? Is‐‐ Is there someone else?

KATHLEEN No. No, but... But there's the *dream* of someone else.

 

 

#59 (DAY ‐ CLOSING DAY OF THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

WOMAN #1 Honey, grab a copy of The Trumpet Of the Swan. This is a tragedy.

KATHLEEN Oh, well...

MAN #1 Are these chairs for sale?

GEORGE Anything not nailed down.

CHRISTINA $10, it's yours.

WOMAN #2 So, what are you going to do now?

KATHLEEN don't know. Take some time off. You know, I'm almost looking forward to it.

WOMAN #2 Well, good luck to you.

WOMAN #3 You know, I came here every Saturday when I was a little girl, and I remember when your mother gave Anne Of Green Gables. "Read it with a box of Kleenex," she said. That's what she told me.

KATHLEEN reaches down for a box of Kleenex.

WOMAN #4 Could someone help me here?

WOMAN #5 She's looking down on you right now.

KATHLEEN I'm sure she is.

MAN #2 Why don't we bomb Fox Books?

 

 

#60 (EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN GOES INTO FOX BOOKS)

 

KATHLEEN sits down on a chair in the children's section and sighs.

JOE sees her on the other side of the room.

 

WOMAN Do you have the Shoe books?

SALESMAN Shoe books... Who's the author?

WOMAN I don't know. My friend told me my daughter has to read the Shoe books, so here I am.

 

KATHLEEN is nearly in tears.

 

KATHLEEN Noel Streatfeild. Noel Streatfeild wrote and Ballet Shoes, and Skating Shoes, and Theater Shoes, and Dancing Shoes, and... I'd start with Ballet Shoes first, it's my favorite. Although Skating Shoes is completely wonderful, but it's out of print.

SALESMAN Streatfield. How do you spell that?

 

JOE has a "Oh my God" look on his face.

 

KATHLEEN S‐T‐R‐E‐A‐T‐F‐E‐I‐L‐D.

WOMAN Thank you.

 

 

#61 (EVENING ‐ FROM THE CAB TO THE ELEVATOR)

 

PATRICIA Kathleen Kelly, I swear, it was like her name was in the air, Joe.

JOE Just like that?

PATRICIA Everyone was talking about her today. Kathleen Kelly and her situation. And I was thinking that she would make a great children's book editor.

JOE What makes you think that?

PATRICIA Well, she knows everything. She has flawless taste‐‐ And she's famous for it. The salesmen swear by her. If she likes the book, it sells. Period.

JOE So, you're gonna offer what? Your'e gonna offer her a job?

PATRICIA Well, what else has she got to do?

JOE Now that she's destitute.

PATRICIA Thanks to you.

JOE I don't see her working for you.

PATRICIA Why not?

JOE 'Cause she lacks the killer instinct. She's never fired anyone. Look at that little shop of hers. Those people have been there forever, 'til recently, when they all lost their jobs.

PATRICIA Thanks to you. Hold the elevator!

 

PATRICIA runs to the elevator, but JOE walks.

 

CHARLIE Ms. Eden. Mr. Fox.

JOE Hello, Charlie.

PATRICIA Y'know, I love how you've totally forgotten you had any role in her current situation. It's so obtuse. It's so insensitive. Reminds me of someone. Who? Who does it remind me of? Me!

 

PATRICIA laughs.

The ELEVATOR jolts and stops.

 

JOE What is going on?

CHARLIE Could be stuck.

 

PATRICIA groans.

VERONICA gasps.

CHARLIE presses all the buttons in the elevator.

 

JOE Charlie, what are you doing?

CHARLIE I hope this thing doesn't plummet to the basement.

VERONICA Can it do that?

JOE No! It cannot plummet to the basement.

 

JOE dials for emergency.

 

JOE Hi, this is Joe Fox. Who's this? Juan? Juan, we are stuck in the elevator between the 6th and 7th floors, and there's 4 of us.

 

PATRICIA grabs the phone.

 

PATRICIA Yes, and if you don't get your *ass* up here in two shakes, and get us the hell out of here‐

 

JOE takes it back.

 

JOE Juan? Yeah, listen, call the Super and then 911. 9‐1‐1. The fire department. That's right. Yeah. Thank you very much.

CHARLIE Everyone should jump in the air.

PATRICIA What?

CHARLIE We jumps, and the elevator thinks there's no one here, and it opens.

JOE 1... 2... 3... Jump!

 

EVERYONE jumps, but nothing happens.

 

VERONICA If I ever get out of here, I'm gonna start speaking to my mama. I wonder what she's doing right this very minute.

CHARLIE If I ever get out here, I'm marrying Oreet. I love her. I should marry her. I don't know what's been stopping me.

PATRICIA If I ever get out of here, I'm having my eyes lasered.

 

JOE gives a "Hm..." look.

 

JOE If I ever get out of here‐‐

PATRICIA Where are my tic‐tacs?! Ahhh! What?

 

 

#62 (EVENING ‐ MOVING TO THE BOAT)

 

JOE (V.O.) I came home tonight and got into the elevator to go to my apartment. An hour later, I got out of the elevator and Brinkley and I moved out. Suddenly, everything had become clear. It's a long story. Full of the personal details we avoid so carefully. Let me just say, there was a man sitting in the elevator with me who knew exactly what he wanted, and I found myself wishing I was as lucky as he.

 

MORNING ‐ KATHLEEN'S APARTMENT

KATHLEEN (V.O.)People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is, something you didn't want to happen at all has happened. My store is closing this week. I own a store. Did I ever tell you that? It’s a lovely store and in a week it will become something very depressing... Like a Baby Gap.

 

 

#63 (EVENING ‐ LOCKING UP THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER)

 

KATHLEEN (V.O.)Soon, it will just be memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person, will probably think it's a tribute to the city. The way it keeps changing on you, or the way you can never count it, or something. I know, because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is... I'm heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died, and my mother has died all over again. And no one can ever make it right.

 

KATHLEEN looks at the store one last time and turns out the lights.

KATHLEEN sees an image of her and her mother twirling in the store.

KATHLEEN lowers the gates and a sign says, "After 42 years, we are closing our doors.

We have loved being a part of your lives."

 

DAY ‐ DAD AT THE DOCK

JOE walking his dog around the dock and sees NELSON unloading his car.

 

JOE What happened?

 

NELSON shrugs his shoulders.

 

JOE Oh.

NELSON Yeah. How are you?

JOE Well, you know Dad, you did pretty well. At least you didn't marry her.

NELSON Welcome aboard.

JOE Ha ha! It lasted a while. Huh?

NELSON Yeah.

 

 

#64 (EVENING ‐ IN THE BOAT)

 

JOE making a martini.

 

NELSON You know... I stayed on this boat after... Let's see... Your mother... Laurette, the ballet dancer...

JOE My nanny.

NELSON She was the nanny?!

JOE Yeah.

NELSON Oh, I forgot that. How ironic... And then there's the ice skater...

JOE Also my nanny.

NELSON Really?

JOE Yeah.

NELSON Well, that's‐‐ that's amazingly ironic. And then there was Sybil, the uh... That's an "A" word.

JOE Astrologer.

NELSON Exactly! Yeah!

JOE Who's moon turned out to be in someone else's house, as I recall.

NELSON Just like Gillian.

JOE Gillian ran off with someone?

NELSON The nanny.

JOE Nanny Maureen?

NELSON Yes.

 

JOE laughs.

 

JOE Well, Gillian ran off with Nanny Maureen.

NELSON You got it.

JOE It's incredibly ironic.

NELSON That's true.

JOE No other word for it.

NELSON Well, who's better than us?

JOE Father and son, together at last.

NELSON Who did you say you broke up with?

JOE Patricia. You met her.

NELSON Would *I* like her? Just kidding, son. Now, is this beautiful or what? Course, I'll be living out of a suitcase for at least 3 weeks, and then there's the inevitible legal hassle, more of your inheritance down the drain‐‐

JOE Don't you worry about it.

NELSON I won't. I just have to meet someone new, that's all. That's the easy part.

JOE Oh, right. Yeah. A snap to find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy.

NELSON Well, don't be ridiculous. Have I *ever* been with anyone who fit that description? Have *you*?

 

 

#65 (DAY ‐ JOE GOES TO SEE KATHLEEN)

 

JOE walking towards KATHLEEN's apartment with a bouqet of daisies.

JOE rings the bell.

KATHLEEN answers in the intercom.

 

KATHLEEN Who is it?

JOE It's Joe Fox.

KATHLEEN What are you doing here?

JOE Uh... May I please come up?

KATHLEEN No, I don't‐‐ No, I don't really think that *that* is a good idea. Because... I have a... I have a terrible c‐‐ cold... Ah‐choo! Can you hear that?

JOE Yeah...

KATHLEEN Listen, I'm sniffling, and I'm not really awake. And I'm taking echinacea and vitamin C. I'm sleeping practically 24 hours.

 

SOMEONE is opening up the front door, and JOE follows in.

 

KATHLEEN (cont'd)And I have a *temperature*, and um... Um... I think I'm contagious, I would‐‐ I would really appreciate it if you would just go away.

 

JOE knocks on door.

KATHLEEN gasps and looks through the peep hole.

 

JOE Kathleen?

KATHLEEN Oh! Uh... Uh... Uh... Just a second!

 

KATHLEEN frantically runs around cleaning up.

 

KATHLEEN Yes... Uh... Just a second. Oh, man...

 

KATHLEEN opens up the door and tries to act natural.

 

JOE Hello.

KATHLEEN Hello. What are you doing here?

JOE I heard you were sick, and... I was worried. And I wanted to make s‐‐

KATHLEEN What?

JOE Is there somebody here?

KATHLEEN No... Oh... It's the home shopping network.

JOE Oh, you buy any of those little porcelain dolls?

KATHLEEN I was thinking about it. Hey... You put me out of business.

JOE Uh, yes, I did.

KATHLEEN Did you come to gloat?

JOE No.

KATHLEEN Offer me a job?

JOE I would never‐‐

KATHLEEN Because I have plans. I have plenty of offers. You know, I got offered a job by‐‐

JOE By my former...?

KATHLEEN Yeah, actually, by... Oh your former?

JOE We broke up.

KATHLEEN Oh, well, that's too bad. You were so perfect for each other. Oh... I don't mean to say things like that. No matter what you've done to me, there's no excuse for my saying anything like that. But every time I see you‐‐

JOE Things like that just fly out of your mouth.

KATHLEEN Yes!

JOE I brought you flowers.

KATHLEEN Oh.... Thank you.

 

KATHLEEN motions for JOE to leave.

 

JOE Why don't I just put these in some, uh, water? Hey, you're sick. You should sit down.

KATHLEEN Ok.

JOE Ok, I need a vase. A vase. Vase.

KATHLEEN Above the refrigerator.

JOE Oh, there it is, obviously. Hey, George says hello, by the way.

KATHLEEN Oh.

JOE He's the one who told me you were sick.

KATHLEEN How is George?

JOE Great. He's really great. He's revolutionizing the place. You can't work in his department unless you have a Ph.D. in Children's Literature.

KATHLEEN I love daisies.

JOE You told me.

KATHLEEN They're so friendly. Don't you think that daisies are the friendliest flowers?

JOE I do.

KATHLEEN When did you break up?

JOE A couple of weeks ago.

KATHLEEN Everyone is breaking up. You, me, and this other person I know broke up with someone in an elevator, or just after it, or just outside it. Or it got stuck? When I saw you at the coffee place, I was waiting for him and I was...

JOE Charming.

KATHLEEN I was not charming!

JOE Yeah? Well, you looked charming. Tea?

KATHLEEN Yes. I was‐‐ I was upset and horrible.

JOE Honey?

KATHLEEN Yes.

JOE I was the horrible one.

KATHLEEN Well, that's true, but *I* have no excuse.

JOE Oh, Oh. I see what you're saying. That's interesting. Whereas I am a horrible person, therefore, I have no choice but to be horrible. That's what you're saying. But that's all right. That's all right. I put you out of business, so you're entitled to hate me.

KATHLEEN I don't hate you.

JOE But you'll never forgive me. Just like Elizabeth.

KATHLEEN Who?

JOE Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice. She was too proud.

KATHLEEN I thought you hated Pride and Prejudice.

JOE Or was she prejudiced and Mr. Darcy was too proud? I for‐‐ Oh, I can't remember.... It wasn't personal.

KATHLEEN What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you, but it was personal to me. It's personal to a lot of people. I mean, what's so wrong with being personal, anyway?

JOE Uh, nothing.

KATHLEEN Because whatever else anything is, it oughta begin by being personal. My head is starting to get fuzzy... Uh, why did you stop by again? I forget.

JOE I wanted to be your friend.

KATHLEEN Oh...

JOE I knew it wasn't possible. What can I say? Sometimes a guy just wants the impossible.

 

KATHLEEN climbs into bed.

 

JOE Can I ask you a question? What happened with that guy at the cafe?

KATHLEEN Nothing.

JOE But you're crazy about him?

KATHLEEN Yes, I am.

JOE Well, why don't you run off with him? What are you waiting for?

KATHLEEN I don't actually know him.

JOE Really?

KATHLEEN I‐‐ I only know him through the, uh... You're not gonna believe this.

JOE Oh, let me guess. Through the internet?

KATHLEEN Yes.

JOE "You've Got Mail".

KATHLEEN Yes!

JOE Those are very powerful words.

KATHLEEN Yes.

JOE Well... Well, I'm happy for him.

KATHLEEN Huh?

JOE Although... Can I just make a‐‐ a little suggestion?

KATHLEEN What?

JOE I think... You should meet him. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, I take that back. Why would you wanna meet someone you're crazy about?

KATHLEEN Hey, I hardly think I need to take advice from a person who‐

 

JOE covers up KATHLEEN's mouth.

 

JOE Now, I can see that I bring out the worst in you, but let me just help you to not say something you're gonna torture yourself for years to come. I hope you feel better soon. It'd be a shame to miss New York in the spring.

KATHLEEN Thank you for the daisies.

JOE Well... *You* take care. Good‐bye.

KATHLEEN Good‐bye.

 

JOE walks out.

 

 

#66 (MORNING ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER)

 

KATHLEEN (V.O.) I've been thinking about this. And I think we should meet.

 

EVENING ‐ JOE'S COMPUTER

JOE (V.O.) We *should* meet. And we *will* meet. But I'm in the middle of a project that needs... Tweaking.

 

 

#67 (DAY ‐ STARBUCKS)

 

JOE sees KATHLEEN in Starbucks drinking coffee and reading, so he goes in.

JOE Some tweaking? A project that needed "tweaking"?

KATHLEEN That's what he said.

JOE T‐W‐E‐A‐K

JOE & KATH I‐N‐G.

KATHLEEN That's what he said.

JOE Tweaking. All right, sounds to me like he's married. Married, 3 kids.

KATHLEEN Married? That is a terrible thing to say. He could not possibly be married.

JOE How do you know? Have you asked him? Have you asked, "Are you married?" Have you written to him?

KATHLEEN No, I'm not gonna ask‐‐ No.

 

JOE gives her a "what?!" look.

 

EVENING ‐ KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER.

 

KATHLEEN (V.O.) I know this is probably a little too late to be asking, but.. Are you married?

 

 

#68 (EVENING ‐ JOE'S COMPUTER)

 

JOE (V.O.) Am I married? What kind of question is that? How can you ask me that? Don't you know me at all? Oh, wait, I get it. Your friends are telling you that the reason we haven't met is because I'm married. Am I right?

 

 

#68 (DAY ‐ EATING LUNCH/ MARKET/ BENCH)

 

JOE So he didn't answer the question.

KATHLEEN Yes he did!

JOE No, he didn't.

KATHLEEN He did ex‐‐ He nailed me. He knew exactly what I was after, which is just, by the way, exaclty like him.

JOE He did not answer the question, did he?

KATHLEEN No.

JOE Maybe he's fat. He's fat. He's a fatty.

KATHLEEN I don't care about that.

JOE You don't care that he's so fat, he's one of these people who has to be removed from their house by a crane? You don't care?

KATHLEEN That is very unlikely. That is ridiculous.

JOE So what's his handle?

KATHLEEN Uh...

JOE I'm not gonna write him. Is that what you're worried about? You think I'm gonna e‐mail him?

KATHLEEN All right. NY152.

JOE NY152. 152. He's 152 years old. He's has 152 moles removed, so now he has 152 pock marks on his face.

KATHLEEN The number of people who thinks he looks Clark Gable.

JOE 152 people who thinks he looks like a clark *bar*.

KATHLEEN Why did I even tell you this?

JOE 152 stitches from his nose job. The number of his souvenir shot glasses that he's collected through his travels.

KATHLEEN No... The number... The number... His address. No, no. He would never do anything that prosaic. Well, the only thing I really care about, besides the married thing, and the jail thing, is the, uh, the boat thing.

JOE What boat thing?

KATHLEEN I can never be with someone who had a boat.

JOE I have a boat.

KATHLEEN Oh.

JOE Which clinches it. We'll never be together. How many?

KATHLEEN uh, 3.

JOE Allow me.

KATHLEEN Oh, thank you.

JOE I could never be with someone who likes Joni Mitchell. "It's clouds' illusions I recall. I really don't know clouds at all." What does that mean? Is she a pilot? Is she taking flying lessons? It must be a metaphor for something, but I don't know what it is. So how's your book coming?

KATHLEEN Well, there's this children's book editor I know from the store, and she's excited to read it when I'm finished.

JOE Yeah?

KATHLEEN Who would think that I would write? I mean, if I hadn't had all this time...

JOE What?

KATHLEEN The truth is he was the one who started me thinking about writing.

JOE Mr. 152 felony indictments.

KATHLEEN Mr. 152 insights into my soul.

JOE Oh! Yeah! Well, no competing with that.

KATHLEEN Well, I keep on bumping into you.

JOE Yeah.

KATHLEEN Hope your mango's ripe.

JOE I think it is. Hey, you wanna bump into me on, say, Saturday around lunch time? Over there?

KATHLEEN Mm‐hmm.

JOE Good.

 

 

#69 (EVENING ‐ JOE'S COMPUTER)

 

JOE (V.O.) How about meeting Saturday, 4 o'clock? There's a place in Riverside Park on the 91st street where the path curves and there's a garden. Brinkley and I will be waiting.

JOE Ok, ready? Let's do it. Ready? And.... doop. There it goes!

 

DAY ‐ LUNCH/ WALKING BACK TO KATHLEEN'S

 

JOE Today?

KATHLEEN Yeah.

JOE Wow.

KATHLEEN I know. In Riverside Park.

JOE Hmm. Well, that would mean he's a westsider.

KATHLEEN Isn't that amazing? I could've seen him and not know him.

JOE You could've seen him everyday and not know him. He could anybody.

KATHLEEN He could be anyone.

JOE (cont'd) He could be that guy right there. And those flowers are for you. Hey, could be the zipper man.

KATHLEEN Who's that?

JOE The zipper man.

KATHLEEN Who is that?

JOE He's a guy‐‐ He repairs zippers on Amsterdam Avenue.

KATHLEEN Will you cut it out?

JOE You'd never have to buy new luggage.

KATHLEEN Cut it out.

JOE I mean, the timing here is everything. He's waiting until you've primed, see? Until that you are absolutely convinced that there is no other man you can possibly love.

KATHLEEN Yes.

JOE You know, sometimes I wonder.

KATHLEN What?

JOE Well, if I hadn't been Fox Books, and you hadn't been The Shop Around the Corner, and you and I had just... met...

KATHLEEN I know.

JOE Yeah.

KATHLEEN Yeah.

JOE I would've asked for your number. And I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling you up and saying hey, how 'bout some coffee, or you know, drinks or dinner or a movie.. for as long as we both shall live.

KATHLEEN Joe...

JOE And you and I would've never been at war... And the only thing we'd fight about is which video we should rent on a Saturday night.

KATHLEEN Well, who fights about that?

JOE Well, some people. Not us.

KATHLEEN We would never.

JOE If only.

KATHLEEN Oh, I got to go.

JOE Wait, let me ask you something. How can you forgive this guy for standing you up and not forgive me for this tiny little thing of... putting you out of business? Oh, how I wish you would.

KATHLEEN I really got to go.

JOE Yeah, well... You don't wanna be late.

 

DAY ‐ RIVERSIDE PARK (THEY FINALLY MEET!)

KATHLEEN walks out of her apartment wearing a dress and goes to Riverside Park.

 

JOE Brinkley! Brinkley!

 

KATHLEEN in disbelief and starts to cry.

JOE takes out handkercheif.

 

JOE Don't cry... Shopgirl. Don't cry.

KAHTLEEN I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.

 

JOE & KATHLEEN kiss.

 

 

THE END